Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Mom's Darkest Secret

After I was moved out of the house and was then married to my first husband, I remember if I did not call my parents/mom at least one time a week I would hear from them and my mom would always say “are you okay?  I was worried that I did not hear from you.” I believe that at this time I was distancing myself from her, although I remember that we did get along.

 Several years later in 1985 my parents moved from Long Island to Florida.  I was then remarried and I had a “nice “relationship with my mom.  In 1987 I became pregnant and gave birth in November to a beautiful son, who we named Logan.

At this time my mom and I had to be close and open with each other. It was the early 1980’s (before they moved to Florida) and I remember being in a coffee shop with Bert, my husband and my parents.  I shared with my parents that Bert and I were considering not to have the baby, since I was pregnant.  I said that Bert & I felt we were not ready, and could not afford to have a child.  I will never forget this when my mom looked at me and replied “don’t do it you’ll be sorry. I had an abortion when daddy and I were first married for the same reason and I was always sorry about it”.  I was totally touched and shocked about what she had just shared.  I questioned her because when she had an abortion it was illegal, and it had to be a very frightening experience.  My mom had to be quite young since she gave birth to my brother when she was a little older than 18 years old.  I remember being so touched that she would be willing to share such a deep dark secret with both of us, and thinking that this was to perhaps avoid me from ever having any regrets.  

Just as I was so touched, Logan our son knows that we chose not to have that baby, who he says would have been his sister or brother.  I have explained to him that maybe he wouldn’t have been born if daddy & I would have had that baby.  Does Logan hold this against me/us?  He doesn’t say so, yet may never know.

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